oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
