I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
