I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
