remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Everything about him screamed your future.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
