He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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