How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
