i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
