happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Dicks are not precious.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
