Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
