She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Randomize
