im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
