How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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