well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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