you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
