im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
