So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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