Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
