i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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