First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
