i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
