when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
