you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
