this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It was confusing and full of hummus
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
