the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
