bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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