I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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