i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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