I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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