He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
