I accidentally had phone sex last night
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
