Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize