Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
