I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
