my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
