I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
