Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
