I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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