he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
