Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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