Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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