some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
