I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
