Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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