I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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