Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
