I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
