***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
