Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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