low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
