I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
