I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Watching her eat just hurts me
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
