and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
