I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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