They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
