saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
