Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
