Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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