I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
