do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
